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December 16th, 2009
01:14 pm
I was talking to yish about love and such enigmatic matters that I am unable to sink/fall into because I am a weird piece of shit who is afraid of actual commitment. I've been thinking about it and I guess I am unable to love someone if I don't know their flaws, y'know? I guess love to me is kinda a big deal, like I only want the real thing or nothing (I'm not just talking about just relationships, but between friends and family too). It's like, you've to know the other person so well you know all their imperfections and inane quirks before you get down to it and finally love them for real, I guess cos it makes them more human and less perfect. How are you supposed to love a perfect being anyway? There'd be a certain amount of awe and wonder, and the idealization is what pulls it apart, I suppose?? I don't know.
Anyway life's been good to me, I watched love actually (again) and it made me all christmasy!! Heehee. Alright back to what I do best - nothing.
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December 10th, 2009
12:33 pm
how awesome is death dab for cutie, seriously? i love them so much, i think my heart swells everything i hear their songs.
"the world doesn't matter"
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December 4th, 2009
11:08 pm
pure undiluted joy
i am happier now than i have been in a while like i am finally past the whole 'stuck in a rut' phase (oh goodness how bloody lame was i??? so sad/emo/thoughtful all the time. i should just be a retard/annoying little brat/bitch/irritating shit: it makes me laugh)
so yes, i was over at melly's the other day and i went nuts/ate a whole load of cookie crisp and pringles smoky bbq flavour, it was sooo good. and i had to buy it after that because i kept thinking of how good it is. thanks a lot melia, thanks for making me fat.
and then over at tessa's with penny + kimmy and we played mahjong and cluedo (what a bunch of lameasses. it was fun though. hahaha) and i irritated the shit out of tessa by saying the stupidest things at the worst possible time (actually, it was kinda all the time) but it was all in good fun!!!
i don't know how to end this post without sounding lame.
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November 29th, 2009
03:30 pm
i've talked and thought so much about doing something productive and getting a real life and not spend all my time watching tv/videos online. and then i question why i do not just get a move on and do something, anything at all.
but the fact is that i love this, i love having so much time on my hands i can afford to do nothing but lie on my bed and listen to my ipod, sometimes not even thinking about anything at all. seriously i could just lie there and sing and will myself to search and learn the lyrics of songs
anyway, i missed training yesterday and somehow i feel kind of guilty but not really at the same time, because it's not exactly my fault i overslept. sometimes i don't understand how i can feel two completely opposite things at the same time. like when you're in a huge crowd with people you're acquainted with but not that close to, and you just stop and think 'what is the point of all these polite, social get togethers where no one even gives a fuck about one another?' but the fact remains that you are there and you are imitating the behaviour of a social butterfly just to fit in
sometimes i don't know if we are truly ourselves: how do you know if you are your real self? with different groups of people i always behave slightly different, as though i'm changing myself to adapt to my surroundings. so how do i know which is more 'me'? when someone tells you that you're so different with other people, does it mean you're less you? or does it mean you have so many sides to yourself? i don't know
and how are people supposed to judge whether or not you're being true to yourself? how the hell am i supposed to know whether i'm being true to myself when i can't even figure out what it means to be myself
i don't know what my wants/needs/goal in life is. i don't even know how to begin to describe myself. sometimes i get insane/retarded, yet with other people i'm more reserved and quiet and yet it all feels like myself
is there only one side of you that is true? or are there many dimensions to people? how can they all be real? and anyway, if you're truly secure and confident, wouldn't you be the same to everyone/all these different groups of friends you have?
sigh, i dont know
but anyway, i've been talking more to people now that i've a ton of free time on my hands, and i've figured that free time brings you closer to people, and so does a crisis/catastrophe, and so does revealing your inner most private thoughts to someone
i find the last so beautiful, because when someone shares with you a secret chapter of their lives, its like they're inviting you into their private lives; it is as though you can look right into their souls
i don't know how else to say it. its like you're sharing something so strong, that moment where they're so vulnerable and willing to entrust you with this raw, undisclosed part of them. in that moment nothing else matters except this exchange, where they trust you and are willing to overlook their insecurities and the fact that they've just made themselves so defenseless in your presence
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November 21st, 2009
06:24 pm
everyone is overseas now :(
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November 8th, 2009
11:12 pm
I need to GET A LIFE. I was in school today (ON A SUNDAY!) doing PW: we were cutting out shapes of fishes/dolphins/stingrays etc etc. today is so frikkin hot btw, i was perspiring non stop. after that we ate xiao long baos yum yum.
yesterday was really fun, we had a picnic at marina barrage with melly fared mariel matts kieran ram shyuanie stef shannon avi etc etc other people and we had picnic baskets and sushi and sandwiches (nutella + tuna + egg yum yum yum) and cookies and nuggets (!!!) and banana cake and i don't know what else. oh yes we played in the fountain area and i feel like swimming and not doing my stupid i & r. i cannot startttt and like ok whatever i spent 2 hours in front of the computer and i have only written my name and the heading "insights and reflections". gosh i'm so freaking tired.
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November 1st, 2009
04:29 pm
I was listening to the song A Call to Apathy by The Shins at 4am the other night and i heard this line: i find a fatal flaw in the logic of love and somehow it was so... woah. like as though everything i have ever believed in when it comes to love was totally wrong.. i've always thought that there were some checkboxes one ticks off, subconsciously or not, before choosing if you should love the other one but there isn't, because love isn't logical at all. there are no reasons why people would love one another, except the magic and fairy dust behind it all. sigh, the Shins sound so damn perfect
so yesternight was halloween and mariel, micah and milton came to my house and we all wore fake moustaches which itched and made people stare.. then we went to the night safari/watched a bit of the exorcism of emily rose/house bunny/micah and mariel left me alone in the room and i got scared when i woke up. oh well.. it was fun and oh yah the 2 'M's PLEASE GET A ROOM thank you
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